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Hi, welcome to Scoppa.
I'm the manager, Andy.
Please.
Andy, where the fuck is Richard?
That's Cassie, she's our most popular server.
This is our fastest busboy,
Jeremy.
He can turn a table in 10 seconds flat.
Moving right along.
This is our full bar.
People come from all over the Five Boroughs
to sample the work of our master mixologist.
And this is where the magic happens.
Where the fuck is my Cardi?!
Who wants to see the sausage being made?
In three years time,
we will be the top Italian restaurant in New York.
Now I know what you're thinking.
There's already a gazillion Italian places here.
But with a lot of heart, a creative menu
and the best goddamn service in the Five Boroughs,
we can do this.
All we need is a little luck
and I'm working on that.
Well,
this is awkward.
It's over.
This can't be unseen.
Please, please.
I have money, I have a family.
No you don't.
This is New York.
Nothing personal.
Hey, Jer.
Look.
Oh man.
You can bounce a pickle off that ass.
If I were an ass, I'd wanna be that one.
Gentlemen.
I need you to act like you're doing something.
I am doing something, Andy.
It's important.
Jeremy,
you have a new trainee.
Karen, get over here, girl.
Karen, this is Jeremy.
Hi.
Hello.
That manager's kind of adorable.
Oh, well don't worry, that won't last.
Give it a once over with the rag
and then you put the plate settings down.
Knives on the right,
forks on the left.
I try to roll a bunch of them beforehand in the morning
if I know it's gonna be busy,
that was I can just thrown them down quickly.
You got it down to a science.
I like to think I got a system...
A system for everything?
I can tell.
Yeah?
This guy.
What?
Is awesome.
Two fingers!
He means the water level should be two fingers
from the top of the glass.
That's good.
Hey, guys.
Party at Cassie's tonight after close.
Got it.
You too.
You know you have to come, right?
Sure.
Oh no.
Thanks.
First date alert.
What does that mean?
Well, best case scenario, they'll leave in 40 minutes.
We can help with that.
Welcome to Scoppa, your server's name is Arthur,
he's gonna be right with you guys.
Oh.
Jeremy,
do you mind staying tonight with Arthur?
Sure.
Thanks.
Karen, you're cut.
See you tomorrow, okay?
You still coming out later?
Just get out of here.
Hi, how we doing today?
My name is Arthur, I'll be your server.
Is this your first time at Scoppa?
We actually have some fantastic specials.
We have a grilled Spanish octopus
served with a squid ink puree.
I'm sorry,
we're just gonna have coffee and dessert, I think.
Right.
Excellent, I'll get some menus.
Would you bang her?
Yeah, I guess.
You have such high standards.
What does that have to do with anything?
Would you bang Karen?
Well, if I wasn't here with you, testicle breath,
I'd be at the party trying to find that out right now.
Can we get two more cups of coffee?
Thank you.
That's coffee number three.
Arthur, I'll get it.
Thanks.
And that's why I don't read fiction.
That's interesting.
Will you excuse me?
Do you hear that?
Hmmm?
What did you put in his coffee?
He asked for creamer.
Ma'am, I'm afraid your friend isn't feeling well.
Is he all right?
He'll be fine.
He told me he had a questionable tuna sandwich for lunch.
I promise it was nothing you ate here.
Oh, well.
Tell him I said thanks.
Help!
It's okay.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Just go stand over there, it's cool.
I'm not gonna stand over there.
Hey!
I can't help you if you don't do what I say, okay?
You are in great danger.
And the only way out is through that door, back there.
What fucking door?
It's behind you, right back there, there's a door.
I swear.
You promise not to stab me if I go?
I promise.
You are fucking nuts, man!
Nuts!
You just wait until I see my fucking Yelp review!
Jeremy!
Jeremy, wait!
Jeremy!
Wait!
Listen!
Just listen!
Shit!
What the fuck was that?!
Look,
let's unpack this.
I sacrificed that man to an entity.
An entity?
- May I finish? - Okay.
Jeremy, may I finish my thought
without you interrupting me?
Thank you.
Okay, where was I?
I made a deal.
Uh huh.
That thing in the basement, Exses,
he's like an old god
or demon, vampire, whatever, listen anyway,
900 years ago
he was defeated and banished from our world.
So,
I made a deal.
If you make Scoppa
the number one Italian restaurant in New York,
I would feed him and restore him back to life.
What the fuck?!
You can't go around killing people.
Why not?
Our customers have lives.
They've got jobs and kids,
- pets and shit. - What?!
We have lives!
That guy walked in here one minute before close
and then he ordered three coffees.
Three coffees!
30 minutes ago and you would've wanted to kill him too!
Do you know how many times,
how many times someone has come looking
for someone that I've sacrificed?
Not once.
I have killed a lot of people.
How many?
- 90? - Oh my God!
Listen!
You're not seeing the big picture here, Jer.
He draws people to Scoppa
and then I feed him the shitty ones.
The more people we kill
the stronger he gets.
The stronger that he gets, the more guests we have.
The more guests we have, the more money we make.
Jeremy,
the more people, the more shitty people, that we kill,
the more money we make!
And what about when he's done feeding
and he doesn't need you anymore?
I don't know.
Maybe he'll run for Senate.
I don't give a shit!
This is for Scoppa, Jeremy.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, well guess what.
Fuck this shit, I quit.
You can't quit.
Since when?
You,
you know about Exses.
And knowing Exses,
pretty sure that he knows you know.
I can't protect you
unless you work for me.
No, you said some shit like that to the guy
you just turned into a fucking human water balloon.
Exses promised me that he will not harm the wait staff.
Work with me, you're safe.
You quit,
I don't know what's gonna happen to you.
Goodnight, buddy.
See you on the floor tomorrow.
So I bring this guy his lemon and he says,
"Did you touch that with your hands?"
And I'm like, "No, I picked it up with my labia."
Moron.
So I had these Europeans today.
300 dollar tab and they leave me a Sacagawea dollar.
So what did you do?
I took my boxers...
Dude, we need to talk.
No.
You need to hit this.
No, dude,
seriously, there's stuff that needs to be discussed now.
Bye.
Is Karen here?
Hey.
You work in the kitchen.
I do.
You're American?
Yeah, no shit.
Andy doesn't need to know that.
Look, I was desperate,
so I apply for jobs all over the city
but nobody would higher me.
Says here that you were a busboy in college.
Yeah, for four years.
Four years ago.
No.
I did it for four years.
Well, yeah, but that was four years ago.
A lot has changed in the restaurant industry in four years.
Like what?
What happened with your last job?
Well, the company doesn't exist anymore.
And that was
six months ago.
A friend of mine got a job for me over in the kitchen.
If you see me on the floor, I don't speak English.
Okay.
If they knew I was American,
I would be out on the streets.
Wow, that sucks.
Yeah.
Hello?
Hello!
Thank you for calling Scoppa Italian Restaurant,
this is Corey speaking.
Hold on one moment, please.
It's for you.
So I go outside
and the guy's there.
The guy who came in right before close, right?
But he's all messed up.
Christ.
So he's all messed up.
And Andy's there and...
this thing...
eats the guy.
Like Andy fed the guy to the thing.
Hey, stranger.
Oh, shit, when did you get here?
Just a minute ago.
How much did you hear?
Don't stop now, dude, or you'll never finish the story.
Okay.
There's a demon
in the basement
named Exses.
I think I dated a girl who had that once.
I wore protection, of course.
Andy is sacrificing guests to Exses.
You don't believe me.
I wasn't listening.
I'm fucked.
That's it, I'm fucked.
Oh my God, I'm paranoid.
Dude, you need some air.
Karen, let's take him outside.
Uh uh.
I feel stuck, you know?
Like,
this job was supposed to be a temporary gig.
My apartment was supposed to be just for starting out
until I grew into something better
but I'm still there
and now I'm suck at this horrible job
with a manager from hell.
Stuck?
Jeremy, you're not the only one
with a bachelor's degree, you know?
Let me guess, English major, right?
I'm serious.
This isn't my dream but it's honest work.
My brother was unemployed for two years
and I saw what it did to him
and I'm just happy to be here.
If you hate it so much, why don't you leave?
I can't quit, they'll kill me.
What are you talking about?
You know,
Exses.
You weren't just making that up?
No.
Okay, you know what, I'd show you
but I don't want you to get involved.
You should just leave while you can.
It's not even safe for you there.
- Jeremy. - Yeah, I know, I know.
I sound crazy.
Sorry.
Whoa, Top Gun.
You're flying a little too high.
Do you wanna go back inside?
Nope.
I'm gonna call it a night.
See you tomorrow, Jeremy.
Hi.
Hey, Andy.
Hey, Jeremy.
I hope you're well.
What's up?
I need your help with something.
This is so helpful, Jeremy.
I value you, man.
I just want you to know how much I appreciate you.
Do you need me here for this?
Hey,
no obligation, buddy.
I'm just trying to spend quality time with,
and I mean this, Jeremy,
one of the most valuable members of my team.
If you don't wanna hang out,
I can drop you off.
Do you have somewhere you need to go?
No, no, no, I'm fine.
All right.
Do you wanna stop and get some coffee or something?
- No. - No.
We might switch to black napkins.
What do you think?
What's that?
What do you think?
Oh, yeah.
They're fine, they're both fine.
Put yourself in my shoe, Jer.
Okay.
We work in a ruthless industry
where people are constantly judging us
on the smallest detail.
White is
friendly,
bright.
Black is
classy.
Different.
What kind of a business do we wanna be?
One that doesn't murder our customers?
They're guests, Jer,
not customers.
You know what?
I think I'm gonna go with the white napkins.
I'm very happy for you.
Have you told anybody about the basement?
No.
I don't care.
You can tell the staff, Richard knows.
They're in on it?
I said Richard knows.
Jesus, Jeremy,
you make this sound like it's some kind of a conspiracy.
Well, you know,
Andy, it is a conspiracy.
Is that weed I smell?
Um.
I don't know.
What does weed smell like?
I've never smelled it before.
Hey, look, you can smoke, I don't judge, okay?
We've all got skeletons in our closet.
Hey.
Food inspector's here.
Where?
Dude eating alone, he's come to my old restaurant.
Okay?
I'm getting this place shut down.
Dude, I need your help.
No, seriously!
Table 23, table 23, need a cockroach right now.
There's no cockroaches here.
It's New York City, there's cockroaches everywhere.
Not here.
This is the cleanest place I've ever been in.
Okay, go outside in the alleyway and get me a cockroach.
Please.
I'll owe you huge.
Hey!
What's this chode doing in my kitchen?!
Please.
Yah!
Jeremy, where were you?
We had three tables get up that needed to be bused.
Hustle, hustle.
What was that?
You'll see.
Excuse me, are you the owner?
Yes.
Hi, I'm Andy.
Pleased to meet you.
How's the cannoli?
You tell me.
That's impossible.
We never have bugs at Scoppa.
City Health Inspector.
I'm going to have to see everything right now.
Yes, okay.
Follow me.
Make sure your stations are clean.
It worked.
So we're all gonna lose our jobs now?
This is bigger than all of us, Karen.
Hey, hey, the public's not allowed in the kitchen!
It's the Health Inspector.
Where are the desserts made?
Right over here, this guy.
What's his name?
El Guano.
Do you know anything about this?
I don't know if he even speaks any English.
He doesn't speak any English, dick brain!
Can't you see that?
No.
Hey, what's up, Richard?
Oh, I was just doing my side work.
What're you doing?
I'm just checking...
No, why are you fucking everything up?
Everything is already fucked up.
I'm trying to get it un-fucked.
Kitchen is clean.
Must be some kind of prank.
Whoever is responsible will be disciplined,
I assure you, Mr. Grady.
Hey, I'm Jeremy.
Nice to meet you.
What's going on, guys?
Nothing you need to worry about, Jeremy.
Are their bugs in the basement again, Andy?
Basement?
That's where the food is stored, Mr. Grady.
I'd be happy to show you.
Sure.
Jeremy,
why don't you join us
and show me where you think you saw a bug.
As you can see, it's rather mundane down here.
This doesn't make any sense.
I beg your pardon?
Nevermind.
Nothing, it was nothing.
You satisfied?
I'll be back in a few weeks to make another assessment.
Well?
Over here.
Jeremy.
Who's there?
Is that my CT Crunch?
Rent's due.
Guys,
Joey Dean is coming to Scoppa tonight.
I need all of you to be
the very best versions of you this evening.
Even if you're not serving Joey Dean, he'll see you.
He'll feel your vibrations.
No negative vibes!
I want you to picture something.
You know that moment
when you and your lover are getting it on?
Suddenly your cat comes and stands next to the bed
and it starts watching you
and your lover can't see but you can see
and the cat's looking you in the eyes
and you're looking at that cat
and you're thrusting and suddenly there's
this strange cosmic moment of awkwardness.
Now, you can't stop because your lover's about to come
and you don't wanna spoil that for them,
so you keep fucking!
In fact,
you give your lover the best damn fuck of their life!
Joey Dean
is your lover.
I
am the cat.
I'll be watching you.
Let's give him
the best dinner of his life.
That was literally the worst analogy I have ever heard.
See you on the floor, my darlings.
And don't forget, smile.
Smile.
Hey, Andy?
Andy?
Have you ever seen Exses?
Of course.
I've been told that he was quite a looker in his day.
These days, he's a little worse for wear.
No, I mean,
as he ever visited you outside of Scoppa?
Jeremy,
Exses doesn't do things like that.
He does now, he came to my apartment last night.
Hmmm.
I'll talk to him.
Have you guys been to the Indian fusion place yet?
Yeah but it was so overrated.
Their cocktails weren't that creative
and they didn't even have vegan options.
Oh God, what is this, like the 1950s?
Right?
I'm like, "Aren't Indians vegetarian anyway?"
I guess that's where the fusion comes in.
Lame.
Oh my God!
That's Joey Dean!
Oh my God, that's Joey Dean!
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
We gotta stop, we gotta go!
We have to talk to him.
All right, ready, ladies?
Put 'em up.
Good?
Ready?
Come on, come on, just go out.
Hi, sir?
Are you Joey Dean?
That's me.
- Oh my God! - I love your show!
You have no idea!
Oh, I think I do.
Are you reviewing Scoppa tonight?
Yes.
We're eating here too.
Nice.
We're actually food bloggers.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Well, Mr. Dean, have you decided?
Perfect.
And for you, sir?
I'll have the lasagna
but can I start with your number?
I'll get that lasagna right in for you.
Is there anything else I can do for you?
No, thank you.
Thank you.
She'll be back.
Ladies,
it's been way, way too long since I've been laid.
How about that food photographer?
He was checking you out.
Ew.
I think he's a virgin.
No, I bet he's got a big dick and nobody knows.
No, he's like that fish that everybody thought was extinct
but it turns out he's been here this whole time.
Or he could have a micro penis like the last guy I dated.
Worst night of my life.
How small was it again?
Oh.
Ugh, shit, come on.
Look, sweetie, my hands are full.
You wanna take care of that for me?
Karen, you're needed in the kitchen.
We are so sorry.
That was completely our fault.
If there's anything at all that you need,
I'm Andy, the manager,
and I'm here for you.
Sit down, Dimitri, stay awhile.
Love the lighting here.
Good because the food's shit.
How does this place have so many great reviews?
I mean, it's whatever, it's nothing special.
Are you kidding me?
This is like the best tortellini I've ever had.
And the server is fucking hot.
He looks like a serial killer.
Oh, I bet he fucks hard.
Hi, ladies, you mentioned being food bloggers.
You know, I could take a picture
for your website if you want, free of charge.
Oooh, what's the catch?
Well, I'd have to get your email to send you the file.
Crafty.
Tell you what, camera man,
why don't you just say what's really on your mind?
Sure.
I would fuck all of you.
Yeah, I overheard you earlier
and my cock is seven and a quarter inches.
If I had to just fuck one of you, it would be you,
because I like your tits, whatever your name is.
Hey, are you really a food blogger
or is that just like a hobby or something?
It's Janice
and here's my card.
Evening.
Hey, can I get a whiskey, neat?
Sure, coming right up.
You just start drinking, boy?
No.
Can I take a picture of you?
Dimitri.
Have you gone completely off the reservation?
Look at this.
Catch up with you later, kid.
I love it when they make it this easy.
Thank you for joining us, sir.
Of course.
And if you see my photographer,
put him in a cab home, will you?
Photographer?
Psst.
Smile.
Okay.
Because you've been such good guests,
I wanted to share with you something new
we're trying here at Scoppa.
We're building a garden out back.
Ever been to a speakeasy?
Oh my gosh, yes!
Do we need a password?
No, not yet.
We're working on some special cocktails
and thought you might wanna come see the space,
meet the bartender.
I don't know, guys, I have to wake up
early in the morning tomorrow.
I understand, I was 10 years old once.
Oh my God, Jenny, don't be so lame.
Yeah, it sounds cool.
I'm in.
Excellent.
I'll be waiting over by the door whenever you're ready.
The restrooms are right over.
It's okay.
Can I help you, Karen?
Why is everybody...
Karen, table 31 needs to be turned over, please.
Look, there are guests waiting to be seated already.
Did you see that food photographer?
You mean the really creepy guy?
Yeah, did he leave?
I don't know.
Max?
Yes, sir?
Are you in on it?
Nope.
You're in on it.
Listen, big guy.
I'm just like you, okay?
I know about it but I'm not apart of it.
But they're killing people...
Shut your mouth, all right?!
Fuck these people, okay?
They are food tourists.
That's like the worst kind of tourism there is.
They don't have lives.
I'll tell you what,
this is the best bartending gig I've ever had.
I don't do shit.
This sounds so cool.
Which way is the garden?
Garden?
- What garden? - What is this?
Let's go.
That's not happening!
You can't take us all at the same time with that thing.
That's true
but I will go for your faces.
And I have to tell you,
I'm an artist with this thing.
Who's first?
Now you're all gonna sit down next to this door,
tie your hands and wait further instructions!
Failure to comply will result in me landscaping your face.
Nobody wants that, right?
Get to it!
No!
So I had this dream, right?
This guy passes me a joint and he says,
"Keep it, man.
"This joint give you the sight."
So I took a hit.
I'm walking around the big apple, smoking this doobie.
Every hit I take,
I go deeper and deeper
down the rabbit hole.
I see this town for what it really is.
New York is dead.
It's literally a tiny pocket of Hell
that grew into our world over hundreds of years like a weed!
I could just pass someone and know everything about her.
I pass this girl.
This girl likes bad boys.
Every guy she dates beats her up and cheats on her!
And she's crying by herself, asking the universe,
"Why do people treat me like this?"
And you know what?
It's because she wants it!
You feel sorry for her?
Don't.
She can leave New York anytime she wants.
Then there was this guy.
Smart kid.
He comes to New York
and takes the shittiest entry level jobs
then gets washed out.
He's been so poor for so long
that's become his identity.
Whenever he looks in the mirror he sees a loser.
So that's what everyone else sees.
And then I found Exses.
Exses is the only person in this city who's real.
Exses is here, in this room.
Can you smell him?
Can you feel his weight?
Exses is here to clean up the trash.
Me,
I'm just a cog in the machine.
I'm kidding.
It wasn't in a dream.
But the story flows better when I say that.
Easy.
Just relax.
Shit!
That's a good girl.
Off you go.
Let's see what's behind door number two!
No, wait!
Janice, hold my purse.
It's Louis Vuitton, I can't.
Please don't make it hurt too much.
Richard.
Did you guys hear that?
So, when I said rotate the tables,
was I not clear enough?
Andy!
What?
He's found the one.
Who is it?
Are they here?
Good evening, sir, welcome to Scoppa.
Do you have a reservation?
No.
That's no problem.
How many in your party?
Just me.
Excellent.
Right this way, sir, we'll find you a table.
I'm Andy, the manager.
If you need anything at all, just grab me.
How did you hear about us?
From an old army buddy.
Hey, handsome, I'm Cassie,
I'll be taking care of you today.
Have you had a chance to look at the menu?
Do you have any questions or anything?
Yeah.
What do you do for a living?
Are you a politician or something?
I work in finance.
Oh, I hear you were in the army.
Yup.
I bet you have some really interesting stories.
Yeah.
Do you wanna tell me one?
No.
Oh my God.
Are you guys okay?
Well, we just found out how much blood is in a human body.
It was Richard.
He brought us down here and started feeding us
to that thing in the shadows.
- I know. - We have to go to the police.
We can't, there's no point.
They would never believe us.
Right.
Come on.
Hey, guys.
Jeremy.
Wanna hang out here for awhile?
Go get a mop and clean that up, will you?
It's disgusting.
It's okay.
I will text Corey
and he'll come down and get us out.
Yeah.
And here's your meal.
What do you think?
It's very...
Colorful.
Take your time.
Corey, have you seen Jeremy?
He's probably dropping a deuce.
Great.
Oh, shit.
Going home, Andy.
Karen, we're all set, you can go.
Have you seen Jeremy?
Girl, he left like 15 minutes ago.
Where have you been?
We're closed, go home.
Hey, here you go.
Great work tonight, you're cut.
Okay?
Thank you.
I need you to rotate the tables tomorrow.
- Okay, I will. - Okay.
- Bye. - Have a good one.
Rotate the tables.
Yes?
Hey, Caitlin, I know this isn't your fault
but the service seems really slow.
Is there a problem or?
I don't know what's going on, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna go check for you.
- Knife. - Andy?
Knife.
Is this the tiramisu for table 13?
What, this?
Huh, oh my God, I am so sorry.
It's okay.
He's just been waiting over 20 minutes
and the restaurant's empty now.
Will somebody bring it out there?
You know what, don't worry about it.
I'll get it.
I'll take it to him
and I'll leave the tip in an envelop for you.
Okay.
And don't worry,
I'll explain that is was entirely my fault.
Go, rest.
You worked so hard today.
Sure.
Thanks, Andy.
Thank you, Cassie.
Goodnight, guys.
Do you want fare for a cab ride home?
I live two blocks away, it's fine, Andy.
You want me to call Uber?
No, thank you.
I am so sorry, sir.
My manager, Andy, is gonna bring out your dessert
and close out your tab for you.
It was really nice meeting you, um?
Michael.
Have a great night and I hope to see you again really soon.
Thanks.
Goodnight.
So sorry about that, sir.
Because you've been so patient,
please accept tonight's mean at half price.
Well, thank you, that's too kind.
No, you're too kind.
You've been so patient tonight.
Hi.
How's that tasting?
Go fuck yourself.
At least give me a challenge, man.
Then fight with your goddamn hands.
That's enough!
How was the tiramisu?
Didn't agree with me so much.
Maybe it's the gluten.
Our restaurant offers gluten free options now.
It's pretty much a requirement these days.
That stuff is pure poison.
Now, Richard, you can't have Italian food without wheat.
It's tradition.
They say that gluten protein
permeates your intestines and goes into your blood stream.
It's all downhill from there.
Really?
Are we gonna talk about the vampire
or are we all just discussing our diets?
Do you know why you're here, Michael?
Because I got my ass kicked?
You are a rare specimen, Michael.
You have a strong spirit and a powerful body.
You have resources and intelligence,
and yet, if you disappeared tonight,
no one would even notice.
Thanks?
I am willing to bargain for your life.
I need a new body, Michael.
You should've seen this one when it was new.
I was considered quite handsome.
Women once traveled hundreds of miles
to drink my seed.
Infants were eaten alive with a snap of my fingers.
I was adored.
You know, women in some parts of Brooklyn might...
In exchange for your body,
I will give you one year.
One year of what, Exses?
One year of living beyond your wildest dreams.
You will have access to my magical powers,
which are considerable.
You'll have a freedom that no mortal has ever had.
You will see the very fabric of reality itself
and learn the secrets of the universe.
- You... - No.
I am not finished.
I am.
If you say no,
I will simply take your body by force.
You won't get one year.
You won't even get one week.
Michael,
I would take this deal if I were you.
Yeah, well you're not me.
I said no.
You can all suck my dick.
You have 24 hours.
What're you doing here?
Last night.
Do you remember?
I thought I had a dream.
That wasn't a dream.
You got a mirror?
Why?
Stop asking bitch questions.
Here.
Look at me in that.
Holy shit!
I have until midnight, Jeremy.
What're you gonna do?
I'm gonna kill Richard.
Dude, you can't just kill somebody.
Actually, yes, yes you can.
Well you can't kill Exses with that thing.
I'm working on it.
Let's go.
When Exses marked me,
I think I got some of those powers he was talking about.
I see things, I know things.
Like what things?
You got acting experience, right?
Who am I kidding?
You work in a restaurant.
This is so humiliating.
That's the point.
I saw this in a movie once.
You're the kid from Scoppa.
Yes, sir.
And.
Did you plant that cockroach in my cannoli?
I did
and I'm here to apologize,
Mr. Grady, sir.
On behalf of Scoppa, here's a formal letter of apology.
That's not necessary.
Yes it is.
And we hope you find it in your heart
to read that letter
and forgive us for what happened.
Goodbye.
Here's the deal,
Exses is from another reality.
A darker one.
In order to play in our world, he has to feed a lot.
Whenever he uses his power to influence things,
it drains his energy.
So we're gonna force him to blow his whole wad tonight,
just before midnight,
so that when midnight strikes,
he doesn't have enough power to finish his plan.
How do we make him do that?
He uses some of his power to make Scoppa popular, right?
To make people that the food is actually good.
Dude, the food there is awesome.
Have you listened to anything he just said?
Look, I need you to promise me that tonight
you're gonna give Scoppa's customers the worst service
they've ever had.
Spit in their drinks,
rub your dick in their lasagna, whatever it takes.
- I can't. - Huh?
I can't lose my job.
If we do this, they're gonna close Scoppa.
Yeah.
What the fuck, dude?
I mean, look at yourself.
Have you ever been broke in your life?
Did you ever worry about making rent?
You're right.
No, don't listen to them.
I misread you guys.
Oh my God, guys, that was horrible.
I'm sorry, guys, I fucked that up.
It's just,
I'm broke.
Have they hooked up yet?
Ow!
Hey.
I'm so sorry, Jeremy.
I know what this meant to you.
I know something awful's going on.
Listen, if this costs you your job,
it's not our call to make.
No.
I can't keep working their if it's true, you know?
We're going with Michael's plan.
What if it doesn't work?
What if he dies and it's all for nothing?
Well, it's not all for nothin
I mean, this is what we've always wanted,
to make Andy's head explode?
To get back at all those assholes that dine as Scoppa?
Word.
We hold on to this retarded job like it's gold
because we're too chicken shit to think we can better.
Yeah.
Tonight, we give them hell.
Hey.
Hey!
We're still alive.
Yeah.
Well we can't just sit here and wait to be killed.
What's up with that mirror?
It does seem a little out of place.
Seriously, you guys,
there's one right upstairs just like it.
They probably keep extras in case one breaks.
Wait.
Your memory card.
What?
It's the only evidence we have that any of this happened.
You have to hide it.
Put it up your ass.
That's the best you got?
Put it up your ass, food blogger.
What is that supposed to mean?
Food bloggers are not real people.
Nobody gives a shit
what a bunch of white girls from Missouri
think about the food in New York.
You are such an ass.
Can you guys shut up?
- Food blogger. - Micro penis.
You'll never know.
Michael.
I don't have much time.
I'm reaching out to you from the future.
Exses has switched bodies with you.
I'm in his world now.
Listen to me.
Whatever happens to us, to you,
this is worse than death.
You can't let this happen, Michael.
I repeat, this is worse than death.
Hey.
What's going on, Goldie Hawn?
My name's Corey, I'm gonna be your server this evening.
Our specials are...
Excuse me, could I please have some water?
I've been driving for eight hours
and I would just like some water.
Yeah, man, for sure.
Thank you.
You know, if the food here's gonna be this messy,
they oughta give you more napkins.
Oh.
Did you need more napkins?
Here, have some.
Would you like a bottle of wine to start?
We don't drink.
Awesome, awesome.
And I think you dropped this.
Or do you just expect everyone to pick up after you?
Well that is your job, isn't it?
Can I get a dessert menu?
Our carne special is a sausage-type thing,
it's kinda shaped like a dick.
Wait, hold on, sorry, one second.
Sorry, man, gotta go.
Booty call.
That's what tits look like.
Why is all this shit so expensive?
Well, this is an upscale Italian restaurant.
Actually, the menu was posted outside on the door.
You could've read it before you came in.
See, the menu is a list of everything you can order.
If you read, you can see there's no budget section.
We do have fettuccine alfredo, which is popular.
Not too expensive.
Can we share that?
Oh, let's do that.
Really?
Yeah, you can share it.
Arthur, we don't use language like that here.
We don't say "yeah,"
we say, "absolutely."
Absolutely, sir.
Jeremy?
Yes, Andy?
What's going on?
What do you mean, Andy?
You guys are being assholes.
Huh.
Well then I guess we'll have to try harder, Andy.
What?
Dude, catch!
What is going on here?!
Are you there, Exses?
It's me, Andy.
The restaurant is falling apart.
Do something!
I need all my strength for the possession.
You remember our deal.
If the restaurant goes down, that's it.
You don't help me, I don't help you.
I'm so sorry about that, again, guys.
Dinner's on the house tonight, okay?
Thank you.
I'll be right back with your desserts.
That's my boy, Richard.
He'll suck your cock for a Benjamin.
Not bad.
Would you like to try some of mine?
Honey, please be quiet and let me eat.
Welcome back, sir.
Thanks.
I'm not here to eat, I just need to look around.
Sure, just let me get the manager for you.
Mr. Grady.
What the fuck is this?
An apology letter.
No, I'll tell you what it is.
It's the worst bribe ever.
You underestimate what a city employee makes, kid.
You are right, sir, and you know what,
there is nothing to see here,
especially nothing in the basement.
Okay.
What'll it be, buddy?
I'll have a brandy, please.
Good man.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Is it me or is everybody in this place insane?
It's the service industry,
none of us are sane to start with
and then they went and closed all the nut houses.
They gotta put us somewhere, right?
Hey, I actually have 10 on me.
Is it okay if you just bill me later?
Sure.
Just get your address, come by for a visit,
bring a baseball bat.
It's all right.
Dinner tonight is on us.
Arthur!
You can't talk to our guests this way.
Guests?
I don't see any guests.
Guests are people you wanna have around.
These people are so trashy,
I bet I could say it to their face
and they wouldn't even care!
Yeah.
Can I help you?
I can take that up whenever you're ready.
You don't wanna leave a tip for our server?
No.
Nice to see you again.
You too.
Oh my God, how are you?
How can I help you, Mr. Grady?
I need to see the basement,
where you store the food.
Of course.
Just a minute.
Maybe you'd like to start with the kitchen.
I have a feeling the kitchen's just fine.
It is.
So is the basement.
That's what I've been trying to tell you, please.
You know, I don't know if you've seen the freezer yet.
Everybody in the freezer now!
- No, no, no, no! - Hey! Hey!
Let's go!
You guys, I thought I said no horseplay in here.
Horseplay?
I promise, it'll all make a lot more sense
once you've seen inside the freezer.
It better.
Right this way.
Well?
Take a look inside.
You were really brave back there.
I know.
Hey!
Get back!
Kill me!
I think he did something.
Do you think the inspector's okay?
Need something?
This is out of control, Richard.
Well, that's a matter of perspective.
You know what, I'm calling the cops.
Go ahead.
Jer.
Hello?
What?
Mr. Grady, would you like to speak to him?
You.
You lead my into a trap, Jeremy, and now I'm dead.
I'm dead because of you.
Do yourself a favor and slit your wrists.
It'll be better than what's coming.
We have to keep making use his strength,
it's out only hope.
Just watch this.
May I please have some water before I go?
Absolutely.
Not enough water for you, bitch?
No!
You know what?
No, no!
I'm so sorry.
Let's go!
I'm so sorry.
This is unbelievable.
This is why we don't go out in the city, Carol!
The staff upstairs
is trying to drain Exses' energy.
What they don't realize is
there's four snacks right here in this room
and holy shit, is he hungry!
Okay?
Is clawing your eye out really necessary?
Where we're going, we'll be better off without them.
Do something!
Like what?
Where are my guests?
We had a bad night.
Not talking to you, turd face.
Andy?
Where the hell are my guests?
What the hell is this?
Phantom of the fucking Opera?
He's killing them.
Yeah.
That's what he does.
Whoa!
Where you going, big guy?
I think you two here makes any difference.
Exses will take you either way.
Good.
Then I guess you don't mind if I do this.
Try again.
I dare you.
And I thought Jersey was bad.
Come on, doll, let's beat it.
Jeremy?
It's okay, he can't hurt the staff.
Stay behind me, stay behind me.
Go! Go!
Take everyone upstairs.
It's 11:55.
In five minutes, it won't matter where you work
or where you are.
Michael, it's almost midnight.
I'm going into his world.
How?
Hold this.
No, no, Michael, you can't.
Stand back.
Andy, make him stop!
What do you think?
Get off of me!
Jeremy!
It's me, open up!
No, it's past midnight, you're not Michael anymore.
Fine, I'll leave you in there alone.
God
damn.
Are we fucked?
Not yet.
Exses has one foot in this world and one in ours.
If we destroy his body here then...
Then you get your body back in our world.
Okay.
Oh, shit!
You humans are too focused on flesh and blood.
Flesh is cheap.
Oh.
That sucked.
We have to get to the manager's office.
Uh huh.
It's pretty heavy up there.
You good to go?
Yeah.
Cool.
Why are you so clean?
I believe this special occasion
calls for a drink.
What will it be, sir?
You know what would really, really hit the spot?
You promised not to hurt my staff.
The terms of our contract
have been settled, Andy.
But my restaurant is in ruins!
Who cares?
That mirror, I want it broken, take it down.
I'd rather not.
Corey, help me move this table!
Why does he want the mirror broken?
I don't care why!
I don't want a period in my head.
Michael.
Don't look back.
You heard that, right?
Stay with me.
So that guy at the bar and that thing in the basement
are the same thing now?
Yeah.
How do we kill it?
No, what if Michael's still in there?
We need to perform and exorcism or something.
We can't!
Says who?
Is there a single Christian at this entire table?
Right.
We can't just force a demon out without some authority.
We don't got shit.
Exses is stronger than us
but he's a cocky motherfucker.
We can outsmart him.
Forget about the mirrors.
It's just a symbol.
What do you mean?
Exses can switch which reality he's in
like we turn the knob on a radio.
He communicated through the mirror
only because he made Andy feel comfortable.
Same as he contacted Richard through the joint.
I'm sorry, I'm way behind you on this.
You're so limited, man.
You gave up wait too easy on that Karen chick.
You gotta fight for what you want, man.
Right.
You know everything about me.
Mhmm.
Am I dead?
I sometimes think that I died a long time ago
and that I'm now just reliving the same shitty day
over and over again.
Are you scared now?
Yeah, very.
Then you're not dead.
Okay.
Found it.
This is all that remains of Exses' original body.
He keeps it here?
Not exactly.
Andy does.
He found it one day when he was walking his dog.
Andy keeps the relic in this world,
so it has to be here too, in Exses' world.
Think of it like when you stand in front of two mirrors.
There's infinite copies of yourself stretched out forever.
If you take one of them out,
you take them all out.
Unless they explode all over you.
Have a little faith, man.
Wanna do the honors?
Yes.
Go!
Destroy it!
You are all my property now.
Oh no, Jenny!
Let them go.
Exses, do what you want with me.
Let them go!
I don't wish to kill you, Jeremy.
I only cut down the strong.
You, Jeremy, are weak.
A natural born slave.
The rest of you losers have a choice.
I will be served and I will be fed.
Whether you serve me or are fed to me,
that's up to you.
Exses is lord.
Say it, boy!
Say it of your own free will.
Exses is lord!
Exses...
is...
No!
Michael!
Oh my God!
Is it, who is it, you in there, or the demon?
Jeremy!
Come on!
Who stabbed me?
I'm so sorry about the mirror, dude.
I thought you were going to be trapped in Mordor forever.
It's okay, don't worry.
Forget about it.
What happened?
Did we win?
The kid?
He saved our asses.
I'm calling the police.
Everybody go.
This is all my fault.
You're damn right it is.
I'm sorry.
I quit.
Jeremy.
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